The Mother You Swore You Would Never Be

Did you ever have those days you turn into the Mother you swore you'd NEVER BE????

I decide I'm way too prego /sick/hormonal to do much today.  I took Lucy to her Wednesday baby class with Ron where they have a costume party...funny how last year we all cared so deeply about her costume and this year ALLLLLLLL the girls seem to be princesses or whatever mom already had in the house.

Then Ron gets a call Lucy has an audition for the CSI TV show the same day at 1:15 pm in the valley. Of course we're thrilled... she needs to make money for her keep and I want to meet Mark Harmon. (I find out later he's on NCIS)

So, I got home and actually did the unthinkable...laid down. Ron gets Lucy, with the sweet snack bag I gave him and drives to Valley with Miss Lucy and takes her to audition with all the other starlet kids. She falls asleep in the car. This is Lucy's first TV show audition. There are actual acting directions for the role of "Mindy" (angry toddler at store with mom).

Lucy: I don't want to say my name Daddy!

Ron: Just look at the camera Lucy when you go in ok?

Lucy: I don't want to look at the camera Daddy! I don't want to talk!"

Ron: Well, awesome! Go get em' Lucy!

She finally goes in alone after waiting for 45 minutes and she's alone in the room. She comes out 7 minutes later.

Ron: Were they nice to you?

Lucy: No! They weren't nice to me! They took my toys! (she had no toys by the way)

Ron: What happened?

Lucy: I don't want to talk now Daddy!

They drive home... I get up and go to physical therapy. I wasn't planning to see any one so I'm dressed in black stretch pants, black cotton shirt, no makeup, face broken out completely, my hair looks like it got in a light socket and no bra because my ribs hurt. But who cares...it's just PT.

I return home at 3:35 where Ron informs me one of us has to take "Dainty June" (Google Gypsy reference) back to Universal Studio's CSI production offices for a "Producer's Session" call back by 4:30pm and on top of that one of us has to drive Ron's parents back to Orange County from airport.

Oh, did I mention one of us had also committed to hosting a prayer meeting at her house at 7pm?

I have no time to change. He throws Lucy in my car. I grab one Capri Sun juice box, one coke, one large back of gummy bears and start driving.

Lucy's face is covered in dirt. Her nail polish from "mommy manicure is peeling off" and she looks borderline homeless.

I look like an ad for "Teenage Mom" or one of those horrible Pageant Moms on Toddlers and Tiara's who's 9 months prego and stopped caring about her looks years ago!

I start driving and brainwashing/bribing my child with the juice and gummies

Kerri: Lucy...just remember be nice to the "comedy friends" today and you'll get more gummies

Lucy: Can I have a lollipop mama?

Kerri: Yes, if you behave...yes

We hit the 405 freeway and it's a dead stop. It's now 3:50pm

4:00:  We haven't really moved. I can kinda see where the 101 freeway.

4:10:  I'm calling Ron saying I know we're gonna be late and that he should call our agency to ask if this is worth it. They usually won't wait at these callbacks.

4:30:  Ron finally calls and says we have till 4:45pm, 5:00pm at the latest.

4:40:  I'm stuck at Getty Center Drive... dead stop.  I start to hyperventilate.  Lucy says her back hurts and unbuckles her seat belt in her car seat.

She's on gummy bear number 8!

I'm on the phone with my car insurance trying to get a better rate. I start to lose it hormonally, emotionally wondering how I've become this mom. The stage mother fighting L.A. traffic, dragging her sugared up kid across L.A. for auditions and about to give birth any minute.

I call Ron...tell him I can't do this. I want to go home.

Ron: Kerri go home then. No big deal

Kerri: No! We've come this far. I see the 101! We can do this! Call the agents again. WE HAVE GUMMIES!

Ron: They said 5:15 latest or don't show up.

It's now 4:59 pm. Lucy is fast asleep. I trudge onwards to get to Universal Studios gate check in. She won't wake up. I'm playing Hotel California by The Eagles loudly, waving a gummy bear in front of my child's sleeping drooling mouth yelling at the top of my lungs "LLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLUUUUUUUUUUUCY! Wake up! Play time! So fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuun! Luuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuucy! Have some gummy bears!"

 We get into parking lot, she arises, and we both look homeless now. We literally have a running contest to the downstairs office door 3 flights. I'm running, my pants are falling off of me, Lucy is laughing! She has no idea where we are.

We arrive as the very last group of kids is being called in the back room to audition.

They and their beautiful parents look polished and prepared. These kids are a bit older than Lucy and she takes a look at little Sabina with her long hair.

Lucy: You got pretty hair!

Sabina shyly smiles and says, "Thanks."

Lucy: You need a haircut!

Sabina's Dad: That's ok honey we gotta run to get your sister.  She's at Sony shooting a movie and daddy has acting class tonight so go in there and do like we rehearsed, ok?

The other girls are sitting and being read to. Lucy is climbing the office chairs spinning and then standing on them then jumping off. I cannot physically restrain her because I'm so pregnant tired I can't MOVE! So I'm officially "the mom who stopped caring! Toddlers and Tiaras here we come!"

After all the other girls, it's now Lucy's turn to go in. She informs me she doesn't need me to go in with her. And then like Cinderella this transformation takes place. I see my little rug rat through the blinds transform into this complacent, polite charming little girl. She stands still, states her name and age, while making funny faces, talking about her life like she's 15 and the producers are all in stitches laughing at her. She's probably doing my act! I get away from the window and I'm hearing them say "Oh...get that on camera. She's terrific" She's in there a long time.

Then one by one every producer & casting person comes out without my child and first of all look at me probably thinking, Wow...this lady really needs the money. She can't afford a bra or a haircut! She has no ring on and she's12 months pregnant."

Casting Lady: Do you have more children? She is the most adorable beautiful child. She's the best one we've seen.

Kerri: Huh? Yeah there's a kid in my belly...she can play young.

Casting Lady: She even asked us questions. She was the only kid who could easily play "mad today" on cue. She was able to throw tantrum and get mad on cue. She's so smart. She's beautiful.

Kerri: She's part Asian. She's good at math.

Casting Man: She's on her way! Great kid.

Kerri: When does this shoot?

Casting lady: Next week.. Is there a problem?

Kerri: No I'm just having a baby. But that's what Grandma's are for.

Casting lady: Well, we love her. We're just looking to cast a mom right now and it will come down to looks and matching.

Kerri: Did I mention Lucy's parents are stand up comics...? I mean...we are comics.... and actors!

Casting Lady looks at me if I'm the nanny...no response.

I go into casting room. Lucy is now sorting through all the headshots of other kids playing with a camera around her neck and negotiating her dressing room requests. Everyone is telling me how wonderful she is.

Lucy: I don't want to go Mama. I'm busy!

Kerri:  I have lollipops!

We get to the car. I realize I don't have any lollipops. I do what all good mothers do.

Kerri: Lucy you did great. Do you want McDonalds??????????