Do I Deserve Healing?

I sit here on the tail end of a four month battle with Satan himself. I've had four kidney stones and if you've ever had them you know they are 100% demonic. I've had prayer from all the "A Team" prayer warriors and I've recited every Bible verse I know. I just don't have a complete explanation of why I'm still suffering. I work in healing ministry and I can tell you countless stories of seeing the miraculous.  I had to go last weekend to minister to 5,000 people and I was in pain and suffering the whole weekend. How does that make sense for someone who is supposed to be "standing up for the Gospel?" It doesn’t. I've seen miracles that would blow your mind. Now I' m in my own battle against sickness and pain and it 's well....hard.

 I'm still in pain and discomfort about 24 hours a day. I know God has the answer to this. He does NOT want this for me in any way. And the big deal is this is NOT MY FAULT. I didn't do anything to “deserve” this sickness, and I didn't do anything to "deserve" this healing. I know God is my healer. I also know a test can show some wisdom and so can a doctor. So that is my prayer today, miracle healing and wisdom. If I start trying to figure out who's fault this is I'm toast. Because that is just a trap the enemy can set for us to say if things aren't going our way it is somehow our fault. Then in a broader sense, somehow the fault of those praying for us, or the fault of those praying against us. It's a slippery slope. I learned that even when I am weak and weary I have someone praying for me all the time. Someone who cares more than I ever could and that's Christ Jesus. He is my advocate. He is my strong tower. He is interceding for my victory.

I stand on God's word that I was already healed at the whipping post. I stand on God's word that I will have a testimony today for Dr. Kim. Jesus healed all who came to Him and all they had to do was ask. Actually some of them didn't even ask. Sometimes it was a parent, friend, or sister. Lazarus didn't ask to come back from the dead but his sister's did!

So I've come to the conclusion that it's not about the number of hours on my knees, my fasting, or my complete score board of faithfulness. It's about me letting go and letting God be in charge. Because I'm certain of what HIS word says. He has healed all my diseases and HE wants me to be in good health.

The thing that God is showing me is that I can't try to "earn" his healing. I can't say I “deserve” healing because I prayed. I can't say I deserve it because of my faith. Jesus died for my healing and I did nothing but believe that to receive it. And the truth is no one has all the answers. If they did they'd have a healing ministry where every single person they prayed for got healed. That doesn't exist outside of Jesus. In this world we will face trials but my faith is that God give me the word to stand on to overcome them, and that's what I'm doing. I'm not going to get in anymore depression and despair despite how my body has been feeling. I KNOW that I've done all I can do. I’m standing. I believe.

Romans 4:17-20 -  Against All Hope Abraham in Hope Believed