For those of you that keep up with my blogs and writing. This is a sample chapter of a new book that hopefully will be coming out soon. It's the sequel to my first book " If I'm Waiting on God What Am I Doing in a Christian Chat room?" Warning..this chapter is not for the faint of heart. Read at your own risk...then enjoy and remember..I don't make this stuff up!
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I remember when I first brought Ron home to meet my folks in Georgia. He had already talked to them on the phone. When we were first dating he even wrote my Italian father a letter asking for permission to date me. It was pretty cute. I mean who does that these days? Ask permission of the parents to date their daughter. It impressed the heck out of my dad. I remember telling my parents about my feelings for Ron in great detail when we first got together and my dad said "Kerri, I can tell this guy is different." I never got some huge explanation from Dad on why he thought that. But in all my years of dating guys and bringing them home my dad never once said anything overly positive. He was smart enough not to say anything negative either because my mother took care of all the nagging in that department and that only made me date them longer. The more my mother hated the guy, the closer I got to running off to Vegas and marrying him.
But over the course of a couple months I would call them and update them on my adventures in datingland. I had been on a dating hiatus before Ron so I think they were excited about the prospect of me actually making it down the aisle before they died. My mom always joked" I'm going to be so old at your wedding. They are going to have to roll me down the aisle in my wheelchair!" The older I got the lower her standards got as well. It really got a point when I was 29 and single that my mom told me" English was optional!" Poor Barb! Her one dream of having a wedding for her daughter was not materializing fast enough. But Ron showed her new hope.
So it came time to have Ron go down to Georgia to meet "The Parents!"
Anyway, my mom said on the phone to me, "I've invited a few friends over from church to meet Ron."
"How many?" I asked.
"Three, four, five, 50," she said. "I don't know Kerri, just bring him home! There will be pie!"
I was happy she was so excited to meet him. When I first called her and told her I had a serious boyfriend, all she wanted to know was, "Is he a doctor, lawyer or pastor?"
When I told her he was a comic, I think she stopped breathing. "But hey, he's Korean-Irish!" I told her. "Our kids can go to any college they want! And they'll be really good at math!"
My mother, being the politically-correct southerner that she is, regained her composure and said, "Well, I do have some Oriental rugs he might like to see. And tell him I spent a year in Vietnam, honey!"
Yeah well, to this day I'm not sure what either of those things had to do with Ron being Korean, but I've at least trained her not to say "Oriental" unless she's talking about a type of rug.
The day finally arrived. We pulled up to my southern home in Greensboro Ga. It's a replica of sorts of my mom's dream home from Gone with the Wind; everyone calls it Tara Two. I saw about 50 or so of my mom's closest friends standing outside our house, all wearing nametags and all waiting to meet my suitor. In true southern tradition, there were many types of pies and desserts, so Ron seemed happy, not scared. I had been down this road with ex boyfriends meeting my family but never to this grand degree. This was like some war veterans home reunion with all the people standing around waving us in!
We made our way through all the introductions. Everyone from the town barber to mom's pastor was there. It was more than awkward because we weren't engaged so all people could think to say was, "Congratulations on your, um, dating! Have you set a date for your next, uh, date?"
We just laughed and smiled and made the rounds. Ron went straight for the homemade southern pecan pie and strawberry shortcake. I was thinking of how to get through the evening without killing my mother. Then we decided to capitalize on the opportunity, as I had some of our comedy CDs in the car. We starting selling our CDs at the party and even got some of my mom's girlfriends to help. Ginger who knows everyone went around saying all the money would help the "Starving comedians fund" and secretly telling them Ron was saving to buy me a wedding ring! Whatever works! God love Ginger! We ended up making over $100, so all in all, it was a successful night and we were stuffed to the hilt. What more could you ask for ..money and desserts?
The next day I went to tell Ron that my mom and I were going into town to do a bit of shopping. I knocked on Ron's bedroom door. He barely opened it and had this weird look on his face. All he said was, "Great. Go ahead I'll stay here! Bye!" and he ran back inside. I knocked on the door again, but he seemed to be busy in the bathroom so I just went downstairs and out with my mom for an hour or so. I thought this might give my dad and Ron a chance to spend some quality bonding time together. Ron might even get up the nerve to ask for my hand in marriage. After all we had survived the party. We might as well get onto planning the wedding. I wasn't getting any younger and neither was my mother!
When mom and I got home from a fun day of shopping, I went up to Ron's room. He was reading a book. I said, "How did things go while I was gone?"
In this totally manic voice, he said, "Fine. Fine. Everything's fine. Why do you ask?"
"Well because you look a little pale and my dad didn't say much about your time together, that's why!" I said.
"It's better we not talk about it," he said. "What happens at Tara Two stays at Tara Two!" He turned away and kept reading.
I went downstairs and found my dad in the recliner chair watching some John Wayne flick. I said, "Hey Dad, is everything ok? Did you and Ron spend some time together getting to know each other today?"
"Well, honey, we did do just that. He's a good kid but not too handy with the plunger if you know what I mean!"
"No, I have no idea what you mean."
He said quietly, "It's better we don't talk about such things, dear!" My family always had a strict code about discussing such things that happened in the bathroom...we didn't! As far as I'm concerned none of my family members even goes to the bathroom!
Turns out Ron had been upstairs in the guest bathroom using the facilities, and he had an issue with the toilet not flushing. And as luck would have it, he'd been binging on southern food for the past two days.
When he hit the flusher lever, the water came rushing upwards and outwards overflowing onto the bathroom floor! It was a total Meet the Parents moment of sheer terror for poor Ron. So he did what any good man would do; he backed away and prayed vigorously. "Please Lord make it go away. Make it go away." All of a sudden he heard a knock at the bathroom door and my dad's voice saying, "Ron? Ron? Son, is everything alright in there?"
"Yes Sir," Ron replied.
My dad said, "Just checking because there seems to be some sort of leak coming from your bathroom onto the laundry room floor downstairs. Just wanted to see if you have everything under control in there."
"Oh, it's under control alright, sir."
Ron then proceeded to pray harder for the rapture to come at that very instant. As he was praying, more and more "water" (use your imagination, or don't) was overflowing onto the floor and rug that he knew my mother cherished.
Ron had no choice but to open the door. My dad saw the shocking site. He immediately went into action, grabbing every towel, even the good ones that he knew would never be used again in that house and throwing them down on the floor. It still wasn't enough. My dad sprinted for the plunger. Ron insisted he give it a try first to save my father from dealing with such a disgraceful predicament, but Ron was like the little engine that couldn't. He tried and tried but to no avail.
As the situation got worse, my dad stepped in, and with a few well-placed plunges, was able to rectify the situation. They worked furiously as a team to clean up the crime scene and dispose of the evidence before the girls got home. They didn't exchange any pleasantries or make eye contact, so I'm told.
After it was over, they gave each other an awkward manly punch on the arm and parted ways. All my dad could manage to mutter on his way was, "We don't have to talk about this ever again, son. Don't worry."
Well, some might call that crisis bonding. Ron calls it God's payback for all the stupid things he's done in his life. We're both convinced there are no comedy clubs in Heaven; God and the angels just gather round and watch us all the time. It's like their heavenly version of Candid Camera.
I didn't hear all the details of what went on that day until after we had returned to California. I should have suspected something when mom's stolen Ritz-Carlton towels suddenly disappeared from our guest bathroom back home in Georgia.
I'm not sure I've mentioned this before but my mom is a total kleptomaniac when it comes to hotel stuff. She not only steals the shampoo, she displays it all in a basket in our guest bathroom; but only the fancy ones. !
So it was an eventful first parental visit for poor Ron, but he survived nicely. He particularly liked all the buffets of good old southern cuisine where "ambrosia and mac and cheese are considered vegetables." He got to see my family's roots and how we live, breathe and eat. Mostly eat. Well, there was some outlet shopping in there too, but really, it was all about the food.
I found out later that even after all the mania from the bathroom incident, Ron got up the courage to tell my Dad he was going to propose to me and ask his permission. He told him he'd do his best to provide a good life for me and honor me for the rest of our lives . My dad was overjoyed because those two were kindred spirits from the start. God really knew who was meant to join our family. It is true that you don't just marry the person you marry the family and in our case we both were getting a great deal. We were going to be one big happy Korean Irish Italian Southern family! God help us!
Musings from the clean comedian, blogger, author, actress, motivational speaker, mom, 80s rocker, supermodelwannabe, social butterfly, bargain shopper, Out of the closet Christian in Hollywood.
Friday, September 12, 2008
Monday, September 01, 2008
Fannie Mae's Birthday Outing
Hi guys
This is an excerpt from my mom's next book..if you like this check out her first one "Adventures of the Quarter Slot Sisters" at www.barbarapom.com
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It was the end of July and time for another "sisters" birthday outing. Fannie Mae was turning ???? and we thought she deserved a lunch and movie day. The movie "Mamma Mia" was playing and since most of the sisters (except me) had seen the Broadway play and since we all love Abba music we decided it would be a fun movie to see together. Bettie Sue volunteered to plan the outing and as rarely ever happens all the sisters were in town and could join in the fun. Another added surprise was that my daughter Kerri and granddaughter Lucy were visiting from California and Kerri wanted to join the sisters to see exactly what happened on one of our outings. Of course she had read all about our adventures, but that's not like a firsthand experience. Granddad Billy Ray jumped at the chance to have Lucy to himself all day so everything was set for our big day.
Since there would be nine in the group, we had to drive two cars so I volunteered my car as did Fannie Mae. Dixie offered to drive and I was only too happy to let her have the pleasure of driving my new Ford Lincoln. Trixie rode in our car and the other sisters rode with Fannie Mae. We were going to Athens (Georgia, not Greece unfortunately) and were to meet at The National, a restaurant recommended by Trixie. Now you would think that since Trixie had been to the restaurant that she would know how to get there, but as sometimes happens with the sisters, our sense of direction isn't always right on the money. We knew the address, but when we got to downtown Athens, we couldn't find the street. Most of the streets are one way so we had to be careful not to turn the wrong way as Dixie has been known to do on several occasions. Finally after a few wrong turns we saw the street and the restaurant and needless to say were relieved as we could imagine the other sisters sitting and waiting for us.
Now Trixie had told us that the restaurant was kind of eclectic (that's a big word for different) so we were anxious to see what she meant. To our surprise the other sisters were not at the restaurant when we arrived so that was a relief. The hostess showed us to our table and gave us menus to peruse (read) while we were waiting. About that time the rest of our group arrived and said they had no problem finding the restaurant and were just sitting in the car waiting when they saw us go inside. We secretly thought they were probably lost and riding around like we were but being the sweet sisters that we are didn't contradict their statement. After all the sisters said hello to Kerri and chatted a few minutes, we started seriously scanning the menu to find some delicious entrée to order. Well to say the items on the menu were different than anything I had ever seen is an understatement. Just to give a few examples: grilled Greek romaine heart with creamy feta dressing, red onion, tomato, kalamatas, banana peppers and oregano oil
manchego cheese with quince membrillo
jamón serrano thinly sliced with Spanish olive oil
pimientos de padrón Galician green frying peppers, sautéed with olive oil and sea salt (most mild, a few hot)
grilled baby octopus skordalia, parsley & paprika
Atlanta Wolf Fish
with creamy Calasparra-saffron rice, asparagus a la plancha, piperade and tahini
grilled flank steak (certified angus beef) punched red potatoes, arugula, fried piquillo pepper and salsa verde
Vegetable Plate
chickpeas and okra with yogurt and harissa, asparagus in a pistachio viniagrette, watercress tabbouleh, eggplant tagine with feta over couscous, and sugar snaps with a tomato-fenugreek sauce 17.00
Grilled Ashley Farms chicken breast & thigh
piri piri sauce, rice and black-eyed pea salad, okra,
yogurt and almonds 20.00
Tybee shrimp and Eggplant Tagine
herbed couscous, Split Creek feta, sugar snaps,
cilantro & sesame 22.00
Atlanta Wolf Fish
with creamy Calasparra-saffron rice, asparagus a la plancha, piperade and tahini 24.00
Pork Shoulder Steak
roasted Yukon gold potatoes, zucchini with smoked pepper, and a Serrano ham-buttermilk dressing 22.00
Flank Steak (Certified Angus Beef)
red wine marinated with punched red potatoes, arugula, caramelized tomato butter, horseradish cream and sautéed pimientos de Padrón 23.00
Now I ask you? Whoever heard of grilling lettuce and charging $8.00 for it? What in the world is a wolf fish and why would you want to eat it, especially with it covered with items we couldn't pronounce much less begin to guess what they were. We had to ask the waitress to explain most of the other items on the menu and even after an explanation we still didn't know what we would be eating if we ordered some of the courses. Now I will clarify that we were sitting at a long table and Miss Kitty, Dixie, Kerri, and I were at one end and couldn't hear the conversation at the other end so those sisters may have known what they were ordering, but the four of us just picked something and took a chance. Kerri and a couple of other sisters bravely ordered the grilled lettuce and most everyone else ordered some variety of what was described as chicken salad but did not resemble anything close to any chicken salad we had ever seen before. I will say that when our plates arrived, the food looked beautiful and the presentation was nice, but then we had to taste and see if we could determine exactly what we were eating. Kerri said the lettuce was tasty and our chicken (if indeed that's what it was) was pleasant enough and we all seemed to clean our plates so I guess we enjoyed it or were just hungry enough to eat mysterious foods. The waitress asked if we wanted desserts, but it was getting close to movie time so we decided to forego (that's skip) the sweets and maybe find a Krispy Kreme shop later. I mean how could any fancy dessert with unknown ingredients compete with a chocolate covered Krispy Kreme donut. Maybe for Fannie Mae but not for the rest of the sisters. So we paid our bills and left the restaurant with everyone commenting on a very unique dining experience and some of us realizing that we needed to take courses in a few foreign languages if we were going to be frequenting more gourmet restaurants. It's not a bad idea to keep the brain sharp by learning new things.
Miracle of miracles we found the theater without any delays and they were actually showing matinees. That was the same theater where we had attempted to see two previous movies and when we arrived the theater was closed and there were no matinees even though the phone message had given an afternoon time. We surmised (concluded) that it must be because school was not in session and they showed matinees during the summer. At any rate we were happy to know we could see "Mamma Mia" without having to drive across town to another theater.
We purchased our tickets and Kerri wanted popcorn (I guess because her grilled lettuce wasn't filling) so I bought a small popcorn and small coke and forked over $9.00. Wow that was almost as much as two movie tickets. We found the theater and walked in and were surprised to find that we were the only people in the theater, but just thought that was good that we would have a private viewing. After we sat for a few minutes chatting, we realized that it was five minutes past time for the movie to start so Lullabelle said she would go find out what the problem was. With our luck they might decide not to show the movie to just 9 people. She came hurrying back in a few minutes to say that we were in the wrong theater even though the sign over the door said "Mamma Mia". Apparently they were showing the movie in more than one theater but hadn't bothered to tell us, but
"sisters" are never upset by small mistakes so we just hurriedly exited and found the right theater. Actually there was no need to hurry as we then sat through 20 minutes of previews or trailers as they are called in the modern world.
We all enjoyed the movie and decided that if Meryl Streep and Julie Walters could sing and dance at their age which isn't so terribly much younger than most of our ages (which we will never tell) that maybe we should try our skills at those exercises. We also agreed that even though Pierce Brosnan's voice needed some help, we didn't care because he was so delicious to look at. As I said we love ABBA music and the scenery in Greece was breathtaking so we decided that maybe we should plan a trip to that country instead of Athens, Georgia. But we would pick a location closer to the water so we wouldn't have to ride donkeys up the side of a mountain to get to our hotel. We didn't ride donkeys in our twenties so certainly don't want to experiment in our retirement years. Oh, and our hotel would definitely have to have more amenities (that's private rooms with baths and room service). I'm not sure if you need air conditioning in Greece, but the "sisters" don't like to sweat so if it's hot we would need that service as well. So after fantasizing a few minutes we decided to divide and conquer the sales at nearby stores.
Since Kerri had left little Lucy with granddad we didn't want to be too late getting home so we told the sisters we had to leave in about 45 minutes and Miss Kitty, Dixie, and Bobby Jo opted to ride home with us. We said our goodbyes to Trixie, Lullabelle, Fannie Mae, and Betty Sue and thanked Betty Sue for planning a very fun day. After a hurried foray (search) through Stein Mart and T J Maxx where Kerri and Miss Kitty made purchases we piled in the car for the ride home. We were all thirsty so made a quick run through the drive thru at Chick fil A. Sadly the Krispy Kreme was not on our way home so that stop would have to wait for another day.
Our drive home was enlivened by Miss Kitty relating yet another disaster that could only happen to her. She and Buddy had recently purchased a beautiful home in the North Carolina Mountains much to the "sisters" delight since we were looking forward to spending time there during the hot months of the southern summer. It seems that Miss Kitty had left Buddy on top of the mountain and driven his big pick up truck down to the local grocery store. The parking lot was crowded and the only empty space was right next to the grocery cart return. As she pulled into the space she misjudged the size of the truck and somehow managed to go in at such an angle as to wedge the side of the truck so close to the cement post that she couldn't get her door open or back up without scraping the paint off the truck. Her first thought was to call Buddy to get him to come help, but then she realized that he didn't have any transportation. What to do??? About that time she a spotted a man and little boy in the truck next to her and rolled down the window and asked the man if he could help. He got out of his truck and came around to her driver's side and looked over the situation and said something to the effect of "lady you're in a real tight spot here" which she already knew. He then went back to his truck and got out a tool chest (how handy was that?) and proceeded to unscrew all the bolts holding the post in place and literally lifted it out of the ground and moved it over so she would have room to back up. Since she still couldn't open her door wide enough to get out she had to thank him through the window. He said "you're welcome" and was kind enough not to add anything else about her driving capabilities. She said the little boy was watching the whole proceeding and looking at her like, "how did that lady get a driver's license"? She quickly backed up with the man watching and waiting so he could replace the post after she was far away. She found another spot where she had room to open her door and get out without any more attention getting episodes. Buddy of course was not at all surprised when she told him the story as he is used to the unexpected happening to her. He was however thankful that she was able to get groceries so they he could have dinner that evening.
After relating that adventure, Miss Kitty said "you know I think I knew early in my childhood that unusual things were going to happen to me". We all responded with "why is that"? She said when she was about eight years old she and a friend bought two of those huge lollipops that we called "all day suckers" since it took all day to finish licking them. They were walking down the sidewalk in the little Arkansas town where she lived when an old white haired lady passed by. Somehow Miss Kitty's sucker got stuck in the lady's hair and the lady started screaming and pulling at her hair but the sucker only gathered more of her hair. Then she started yelling unpleasantries (that's putting it nicely) at Miss Kitty who didn't know what to do. She had always been taught to respect her elders and not talk back but she really wanted her sucker. She tried to pull it free of the lady's hair but it wouldn't budge and the lady screamed louder. Finally the lady jerked the stick out of Miss Kitty's hand and took off down the street with the sucker still stuck in her hair. When she was out of sight Miss Kitty and her friend started laughing hysterically at the sight of the old lady running down the street with a huge sucker in her hair. Of course Miss Kitty still was upset to have lost her treat. Thankfully the lady didn't know who she was so couldn't report the incident to her mother.
After hearing that story the "sisters" agreed with her that that was probably the first of the many adventures in her life which we had either witnessed or heard about during the days of our friendship with her. She certainly had entertained us for many hours over the years and we all loved hearing her stories.
By the time Miss Kitty finished relating her tales of woe we were back in the parking lot where the sisters had left their cars. We hugged and said our goodbyes and they all said how nice it was that Kerri had joined us for the day and Kerri responded by saying how much fun she had being with us. Kerri and I then drove home to find that Lucy and granddad had enjoyed a wonderful day of visiting everyone in the shops in the small town near Magnolia Plantation, our home. I think Lucy was more tired than her granddad. So it had been a fun day for everyone and Kerri would have stories to tell her friends when she got home to California. After all it isn't every day that you can travel with the "Quarter Slot Sisters"
This is an excerpt from my mom's next book..if you like this check out her first one "Adventures of the Quarter Slot Sisters" at www.barbarapom.com
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It was the end of July and time for another "sisters" birthday outing. Fannie Mae was turning ???? and we thought she deserved a lunch and movie day. The movie "Mamma Mia" was playing and since most of the sisters (except me) had seen the Broadway play and since we all love Abba music we decided it would be a fun movie to see together. Bettie Sue volunteered to plan the outing and as rarely ever happens all the sisters were in town and could join in the fun. Another added surprise was that my daughter Kerri and granddaughter Lucy were visiting from California and Kerri wanted to join the sisters to see exactly what happened on one of our outings. Of course she had read all about our adventures, but that's not like a firsthand experience. Granddad Billy Ray jumped at the chance to have Lucy to himself all day so everything was set for our big day.
Since there would be nine in the group, we had to drive two cars so I volunteered my car as did Fannie Mae. Dixie offered to drive and I was only too happy to let her have the pleasure of driving my new Ford Lincoln. Trixie rode in our car and the other sisters rode with Fannie Mae. We were going to Athens (Georgia, not Greece unfortunately) and were to meet at The National, a restaurant recommended by Trixie. Now you would think that since Trixie had been to the restaurant that she would know how to get there, but as sometimes happens with the sisters, our sense of direction isn't always right on the money. We knew the address, but when we got to downtown Athens, we couldn't find the street. Most of the streets are one way so we had to be careful not to turn the wrong way as Dixie has been known to do on several occasions. Finally after a few wrong turns we saw the street and the restaurant and needless to say were relieved as we could imagine the other sisters sitting and waiting for us.
Now Trixie had told us that the restaurant was kind of eclectic (that's a big word for different) so we were anxious to see what she meant. To our surprise the other sisters were not at the restaurant when we arrived so that was a relief. The hostess showed us to our table and gave us menus to peruse (read) while we were waiting. About that time the rest of our group arrived and said they had no problem finding the restaurant and were just sitting in the car waiting when they saw us go inside. We secretly thought they were probably lost and riding around like we were but being the sweet sisters that we are didn't contradict their statement. After all the sisters said hello to Kerri and chatted a few minutes, we started seriously scanning the menu to find some delicious entrée to order. Well to say the items on the menu were different than anything I had ever seen is an understatement. Just to give a few examples: grilled Greek romaine heart with creamy feta dressing, red onion, tomato, kalamatas, banana peppers and oregano oil
manchego cheese with quince membrillo
jamón serrano thinly sliced with Spanish olive oil
pimientos de padrón Galician green frying peppers, sautéed with olive oil and sea salt (most mild, a few hot)
grilled baby octopus skordalia, parsley & paprika
Atlanta Wolf Fish
with creamy Calasparra-saffron rice, asparagus a la plancha, piperade and tahini
grilled flank steak (certified angus beef) punched red potatoes, arugula, fried piquillo pepper and salsa verde
Vegetable Plate
chickpeas and okra with yogurt and harissa, asparagus in a pistachio viniagrette, watercress tabbouleh, eggplant tagine with feta over couscous, and sugar snaps with a tomato-fenugreek sauce 17.00
Grilled Ashley Farms chicken breast & thigh
piri piri sauce, rice and black-eyed pea salad, okra,
yogurt and almonds 20.00
Tybee shrimp and Eggplant Tagine
herbed couscous, Split Creek feta, sugar snaps,
cilantro & sesame 22.00
Atlanta Wolf Fish
with creamy Calasparra-saffron rice, asparagus a la plancha, piperade and tahini 24.00
Pork Shoulder Steak
roasted Yukon gold potatoes, zucchini with smoked pepper, and a Serrano ham-buttermilk dressing 22.00
Flank Steak (Certified Angus Beef)
red wine marinated with punched red potatoes, arugula, caramelized tomato butter, horseradish cream and sautéed pimientos de Padrón 23.00
Now I ask you? Whoever heard of grilling lettuce and charging $8.00 for it? What in the world is a wolf fish and why would you want to eat it, especially with it covered with items we couldn't pronounce much less begin to guess what they were. We had to ask the waitress to explain most of the other items on the menu and even after an explanation we still didn't know what we would be eating if we ordered some of the courses. Now I will clarify that we were sitting at a long table and Miss Kitty, Dixie, Kerri, and I were at one end and couldn't hear the conversation at the other end so those sisters may have known what they were ordering, but the four of us just picked something and took a chance. Kerri and a couple of other sisters bravely ordered the grilled lettuce and most everyone else ordered some variety of what was described as chicken salad but did not resemble anything close to any chicken salad we had ever seen before. I will say that when our plates arrived, the food looked beautiful and the presentation was nice, but then we had to taste and see if we could determine exactly what we were eating. Kerri said the lettuce was tasty and our chicken (if indeed that's what it was) was pleasant enough and we all seemed to clean our plates so I guess we enjoyed it or were just hungry enough to eat mysterious foods. The waitress asked if we wanted desserts, but it was getting close to movie time so we decided to forego (that's skip) the sweets and maybe find a Krispy Kreme shop later. I mean how could any fancy dessert with unknown ingredients compete with a chocolate covered Krispy Kreme donut. Maybe for Fannie Mae but not for the rest of the sisters. So we paid our bills and left the restaurant with everyone commenting on a very unique dining experience and some of us realizing that we needed to take courses in a few foreign languages if we were going to be frequenting more gourmet restaurants. It's not a bad idea to keep the brain sharp by learning new things.
Miracle of miracles we found the theater without any delays and they were actually showing matinees. That was the same theater where we had attempted to see two previous movies and when we arrived the theater was closed and there were no matinees even though the phone message had given an afternoon time. We surmised (concluded) that it must be because school was not in session and they showed matinees during the summer. At any rate we were happy to know we could see "Mamma Mia" without having to drive across town to another theater.
We purchased our tickets and Kerri wanted popcorn (I guess because her grilled lettuce wasn't filling) so I bought a small popcorn and small coke and forked over $9.00. Wow that was almost as much as two movie tickets. We found the theater and walked in and were surprised to find that we were the only people in the theater, but just thought that was good that we would have a private viewing. After we sat for a few minutes chatting, we realized that it was five minutes past time for the movie to start so Lullabelle said she would go find out what the problem was. With our luck they might decide not to show the movie to just 9 people. She came hurrying back in a few minutes to say that we were in the wrong theater even though the sign over the door said "Mamma Mia". Apparently they were showing the movie in more than one theater but hadn't bothered to tell us, but
"sisters" are never upset by small mistakes so we just hurriedly exited and found the right theater. Actually there was no need to hurry as we then sat through 20 minutes of previews or trailers as they are called in the modern world.
We all enjoyed the movie and decided that if Meryl Streep and Julie Walters could sing and dance at their age which isn't so terribly much younger than most of our ages (which we will never tell) that maybe we should try our skills at those exercises. We also agreed that even though Pierce Brosnan's voice needed some help, we didn't care because he was so delicious to look at. As I said we love ABBA music and the scenery in Greece was breathtaking so we decided that maybe we should plan a trip to that country instead of Athens, Georgia. But we would pick a location closer to the water so we wouldn't have to ride donkeys up the side of a mountain to get to our hotel. We didn't ride donkeys in our twenties so certainly don't want to experiment in our retirement years. Oh, and our hotel would definitely have to have more amenities (that's private rooms with baths and room service). I'm not sure if you need air conditioning in Greece, but the "sisters" don't like to sweat so if it's hot we would need that service as well. So after fantasizing a few minutes we decided to divide and conquer the sales at nearby stores.
Since Kerri had left little Lucy with granddad we didn't want to be too late getting home so we told the sisters we had to leave in about 45 minutes and Miss Kitty, Dixie, and Bobby Jo opted to ride home with us. We said our goodbyes to Trixie, Lullabelle, Fannie Mae, and Betty Sue and thanked Betty Sue for planning a very fun day. After a hurried foray (search) through Stein Mart and T J Maxx where Kerri and Miss Kitty made purchases we piled in the car for the ride home. We were all thirsty so made a quick run through the drive thru at Chick fil A. Sadly the Krispy Kreme was not on our way home so that stop would have to wait for another day.
Our drive home was enlivened by Miss Kitty relating yet another disaster that could only happen to her. She and Buddy had recently purchased a beautiful home in the North Carolina Mountains much to the "sisters" delight since we were looking forward to spending time there during the hot months of the southern summer. It seems that Miss Kitty had left Buddy on top of the mountain and driven his big pick up truck down to the local grocery store. The parking lot was crowded and the only empty space was right next to the grocery cart return. As she pulled into the space she misjudged the size of the truck and somehow managed to go in at such an angle as to wedge the side of the truck so close to the cement post that she couldn't get her door open or back up without scraping the paint off the truck. Her first thought was to call Buddy to get him to come help, but then she realized that he didn't have any transportation. What to do??? About that time she a spotted a man and little boy in the truck next to her and rolled down the window and asked the man if he could help. He got out of his truck and came around to her driver's side and looked over the situation and said something to the effect of "lady you're in a real tight spot here" which she already knew. He then went back to his truck and got out a tool chest (how handy was that?) and proceeded to unscrew all the bolts holding the post in place and literally lifted it out of the ground and moved it over so she would have room to back up. Since she still couldn't open her door wide enough to get out she had to thank him through the window. He said "you're welcome" and was kind enough not to add anything else about her driving capabilities. She said the little boy was watching the whole proceeding and looking at her like, "how did that lady get a driver's license"? She quickly backed up with the man watching and waiting so he could replace the post after she was far away. She found another spot where she had room to open her door and get out without any more attention getting episodes. Buddy of course was not at all surprised when she told him the story as he is used to the unexpected happening to her. He was however thankful that she was able to get groceries so they he could have dinner that evening.
After relating that adventure, Miss Kitty said "you know I think I knew early in my childhood that unusual things were going to happen to me". We all responded with "why is that"? She said when she was about eight years old she and a friend bought two of those huge lollipops that we called "all day suckers" since it took all day to finish licking them. They were walking down the sidewalk in the little Arkansas town where she lived when an old white haired lady passed by. Somehow Miss Kitty's sucker got stuck in the lady's hair and the lady started screaming and pulling at her hair but the sucker only gathered more of her hair. Then she started yelling unpleasantries (that's putting it nicely) at Miss Kitty who didn't know what to do. She had always been taught to respect her elders and not talk back but she really wanted her sucker. She tried to pull it free of the lady's hair but it wouldn't budge and the lady screamed louder. Finally the lady jerked the stick out of Miss Kitty's hand and took off down the street with the sucker still stuck in her hair. When she was out of sight Miss Kitty and her friend started laughing hysterically at the sight of the old lady running down the street with a huge sucker in her hair. Of course Miss Kitty still was upset to have lost her treat. Thankfully the lady didn't know who she was so couldn't report the incident to her mother.
After hearing that story the "sisters" agreed with her that that was probably the first of the many adventures in her life which we had either witnessed or heard about during the days of our friendship with her. She certainly had entertained us for many hours over the years and we all loved hearing her stories.
By the time Miss Kitty finished relating her tales of woe we were back in the parking lot where the sisters had left their cars. We hugged and said our goodbyes and they all said how nice it was that Kerri had joined us for the day and Kerri responded by saying how much fun she had being with us. Kerri and I then drove home to find that Lucy and granddad had enjoyed a wonderful day of visiting everyone in the shops in the small town near Magnolia Plantation, our home. I think Lucy was more tired than her granddad. So it had been a fun day for everyone and Kerri would have stories to tell her friends when she got home to California. After all it isn't every day that you can travel with the "Quarter Slot Sisters"
Wednesday, August 20, 2008
I vote for...
I have to admit as a registered republican, I wasn't thrilled about our choices of candidates this year. Wow...shocker!
But the thing is that I'm actually finding myself saying things lately like "He's growing on me" or " Ya know, I like his foreign policy" but the question of faith always remained for me. I have this little fantasy as a practicing Christian that we have someone who shares my religious views in the White House. I know Obama has professed to be a Christian but the whole Jeremiah Wright thing put him back a few steps in every evangelical's book and the fact that he absolutely supports abortion or "a woman's right to choose" and "gay marriage" has my vote going in the other direction.
So when I heard that Pastor Rick Warren was going to interview each of the candidates on "my turf" in a evangelical setting the real Christian in me came out. The competitive "our side better win" "McCain better sock it to 'em" side. Yes, that's what I was thinking. Aren't I spiritual? I was hoping that Pastor Warren would really go for the jugular with Obama and corner him into saying he believes in abortions and gay marriage and then we might find out he's the anti-Christ or at least his running mate Oprah Winfrey is and we could boo and then all go home. Aren't I showing Christ's love?
What I didn't expect was for Mr. Obama to give such an eloquent well thought out and heartfelt interview that almost got me wanting to invite him over to dinner. Man this guy is good. Or is he just a good guy? I mean he talked about his faith so confidently and boldly, said he was saved by Jesus Christ. He admitted his faults and professed that he personally was 100% pro-life but he wanted to give people the choice to make mistakes just like God did in the garden of Eden. He said he was against gay marriage but broke into a very emotional story that almost convinced me that civil unions should be legal. This man was humble, kind and well spoken. He's either totally sincere and really does want to do a great job as president, or he's such a well-oiled machine, rehearsing every syllable that comes out of his mouth 100 times that we wouldn't know the difference.
My point is that I as a Christian voter have to come to my conclusions on who I'm supporting by the issues and what the candidate will be doing to bring on change and move our country forward in a safe and progressive manner. I can't be swayed by one debate because I really think Obama has a better smile than John McCain does. I can't let emotions guide me more than my convictions. I can't vote on who I'd rather have in my living room on game night for the next president of the United States. But sadly I think that is how a lot of young people are voting. Remember when Bill Clinton went on MTV and talked to teens and told them he wore "boxers" not "briefs"? His "cool" factor got him elected. Well maybe we should have been paying more attention to where "his boxers" had been and we wouldn't have gotten ourselves into the nice Monica Lewinski predicament.
So I believe voters need to remember this isn't "class president" and stop trying to vote for the "cool kid". I think McCain reminds me more of the school principal. But after hearing what he had to say and really thinking about his words and his many many anecdotes. I realize he's better prepared for this huge undertaking to be the leader of the free world. I agree with his stands on the issues. I feel that he would work hard to protect our country. So what that he has white hair and won't make a great host on Saturday Night Live? At least we'll still be enjoying our freedom of speech to make our own electoral choices in the future under his leadership.
But the thing is that I'm actually finding myself saying things lately like "He's growing on me" or " Ya know, I like his foreign policy" but the question of faith always remained for me. I have this little fantasy as a practicing Christian that we have someone who shares my religious views in the White House. I know Obama has professed to be a Christian but the whole Jeremiah Wright thing put him back a few steps in every evangelical's book and the fact that he absolutely supports abortion or "a woman's right to choose" and "gay marriage" has my vote going in the other direction.
So when I heard that Pastor Rick Warren was going to interview each of the candidates on "my turf" in a evangelical setting the real Christian in me came out. The competitive "our side better win" "McCain better sock it to 'em" side. Yes, that's what I was thinking. Aren't I spiritual? I was hoping that Pastor Warren would really go for the jugular with Obama and corner him into saying he believes in abortions and gay marriage and then we might find out he's the anti-Christ or at least his running mate Oprah Winfrey is and we could boo and then all go home. Aren't I showing Christ's love?
What I didn't expect was for Mr. Obama to give such an eloquent well thought out and heartfelt interview that almost got me wanting to invite him over to dinner. Man this guy is good. Or is he just a good guy? I mean he talked about his faith so confidently and boldly, said he was saved by Jesus Christ. He admitted his faults and professed that he personally was 100% pro-life but he wanted to give people the choice to make mistakes just like God did in the garden of Eden. He said he was against gay marriage but broke into a very emotional story that almost convinced me that civil unions should be legal. This man was humble, kind and well spoken. He's either totally sincere and really does want to do a great job as president, or he's such a well-oiled machine, rehearsing every syllable that comes out of his mouth 100 times that we wouldn't know the difference.
My point is that I as a Christian voter have to come to my conclusions on who I'm supporting by the issues and what the candidate will be doing to bring on change and move our country forward in a safe and progressive manner. I can't be swayed by one debate because I really think Obama has a better smile than John McCain does. I can't let emotions guide me more than my convictions. I can't vote on who I'd rather have in my living room on game night for the next president of the United States. But sadly I think that is how a lot of young people are voting. Remember when Bill Clinton went on MTV and talked to teens and told them he wore "boxers" not "briefs"? His "cool" factor got him elected. Well maybe we should have been paying more attention to where "his boxers" had been and we wouldn't have gotten ourselves into the nice Monica Lewinski predicament.
So I believe voters need to remember this isn't "class president" and stop trying to vote for the "cool kid". I think McCain reminds me more of the school principal. But after hearing what he had to say and really thinking about his words and his many many anecdotes. I realize he's better prepared for this huge undertaking to be the leader of the free world. I agree with his stands on the issues. I feel that he would work hard to protect our country. So what that he has white hair and won't make a great host on Saturday Night Live? At least we'll still be enjoying our freedom of speech to make our own electoral choices in the future under his leadership.
Wednesday, July 23, 2008
Letters to Lucy - SuperStar!
Dear Love Bug,
It's July 19th and I'm pretty sure this book will have about 10 pages by the time you're ten. Every time I try to get to the computer to write I'm stopped by clothes to clean, food to pick up, diapers to change or an impromptu game of "let's chase Lucy" around the house. Luckily our place isn't that big because you're super duper fast Ms. Mario Andretti. (I know you won't know who that is..look him up in your history book.)
You're literally almost walking. I'm not lying. I knew you were advanced when you rolled over at 3 weeks and started trying to climb out of your crib at 6 months. In fact to this day every time we put you in your crib you immediately make a break for it as if you're about to be put in prison, which is how you refer to any crib or enclosed environment. You're almost 9 months and you not only can cruise all around the furniture unassisted, you can balance all by yourself with no hands. Then you fall down and eat it on the floor. Then you repeat the process. You're a tough little cookie.
Your favorite thing is to go next door and have Uncle Danny hold your hands and let you run around their kitchen over and over and over and over. He has not quit the gym because you're enough cardio. He and Aunt Anne are expecting baby Sydney in a month or so and I'm not sure you're going to like sharing his and Auntie Anne's attention. You've had them all to yourself your whole life. I laugh because Uncle Danny seems terrified of children and babies in general. But when you're around he's the one you want to hang out with. He babysat for you last night and he said all you did was want to run around their place with him holding you for 3 hours and then sit on the couch with him. You won't sit still for many people but when you're over at their place you're totally chill. Ok, maybe it's their big screen TV ? You seem to like the food channel and I hope that parlays into some child genius cooking skills so we can be a well fed family. I'm still not cooking. I have cookbooks out and they sit there and stare at me like some homework assignment I will never get done. Ironically, I'm making your baby food though. I think that's more because I'm cheap and competitive and I want to save money and also brag that I did it homemade to other moms and your Nana especially.
But this walking thing is pretty amazing. I know I'm not supposed to compare your milestones to other babies but everyone does it. And since you're ahead of the curve I'm totally ok with it in this case. I just love it when other moms ask me "Is she crawling yet?" And Dad chimes in like a proud peacock but trying to seem humble "Yes she's also trying to walk by herself" We try to seem like it's no big deal when they ask "How old did you say she was again?" It's fun!
In other cases like weight and height since you are lower on the % , I take no stock in any of those statistics. You are 50% in height and 25% in weight. My friend referred to that as "Average" and we just don't say that word in our house. Ask your dad about his Asian upbringing. There was no average. That's why he's so stinkin' smart! I asked him one time "Honey do you think Asian kids are genetically smarter?" He said "No. Our mothers just beat it into us!" Isn't that sweet? So now I'm that mom. Just Kidding.
But seriously you're awesome. I don't have to push you. You are going to walk by yourself any day now. I, on the other hand, didn't walk till I was 15 months and your father was at least a year old. Yes, I was telling jokes at about 1, but we see where that got me. No health insurance. I used to try harder to get you to talk, but basically you just say" Ba Ba Bu Bu" and that's because you learned that from your friend Alexa. We try to pretend you're saying Ma Ma so we can record it in the baby book that you talked and said your first words. But I can't find any word that sounds like Ba Ba so we're stuck on the talking thing. But that's ok Daddy talks enough for all 3 of us!
We thought for sure you'd be this big talker and fat and lazy like your parents were when we were babies. But you've been a mover and a shaker this whole time. I think you're planning your escape somewhere more exotic than our little home. I'm no more allowed to sit at this computer while you are in the room. It's much more fun for you to make me watch you run around and try to eat things like coffee table handles and pieces of paper that you've stolen from all over the place. Speaking of stealing, you have this obsession with tags. Do all babies have this? You love tags on everything especially clothes. When we took you to Macy's the other day as I was holding you, I noticed you had systematically ripped off the price tags of three items and had them in your hands. If I was raising you to be a thief I'd say you have a bright future. But let's see if we can do something else with those fast hands of yours. How about sculpting? Naa...no way to get scholarship with that. What about cards? Professional gambler? Well your Nana does like the slots, it might be in your blood. Well we have some time still to decide your life's calling and what it is exactly that is going to pay for your college. With your amazing physical agility at such a young age we're now thinking track or cross country running or the ever faithful Korean Irish Italian super model route. You have choices, honey. You have choices!
Love,
Mama
It's July 19th and I'm pretty sure this book will have about 10 pages by the time you're ten. Every time I try to get to the computer to write I'm stopped by clothes to clean, food to pick up, diapers to change or an impromptu game of "let's chase Lucy" around the house. Luckily our place isn't that big because you're super duper fast Ms. Mario Andretti. (I know you won't know who that is..look him up in your history book.)
You're literally almost walking. I'm not lying. I knew you were advanced when you rolled over at 3 weeks and started trying to climb out of your crib at 6 months. In fact to this day every time we put you in your crib you immediately make a break for it as if you're about to be put in prison, which is how you refer to any crib or enclosed environment. You're almost 9 months and you not only can cruise all around the furniture unassisted, you can balance all by yourself with no hands. Then you fall down and eat it on the floor. Then you repeat the process. You're a tough little cookie.
Your favorite thing is to go next door and have Uncle Danny hold your hands and let you run around their kitchen over and over and over and over. He has not quit the gym because you're enough cardio. He and Aunt Anne are expecting baby Sydney in a month or so and I'm not sure you're going to like sharing his and Auntie Anne's attention. You've had them all to yourself your whole life. I laugh because Uncle Danny seems terrified of children and babies in general. But when you're around he's the one you want to hang out with. He babysat for you last night and he said all you did was want to run around their place with him holding you for 3 hours and then sit on the couch with him. You won't sit still for many people but when you're over at their place you're totally chill. Ok, maybe it's their big screen TV ? You seem to like the food channel and I hope that parlays into some child genius cooking skills so we can be a well fed family. I'm still not cooking. I have cookbooks out and they sit there and stare at me like some homework assignment I will never get done. Ironically, I'm making your baby food though. I think that's more because I'm cheap and competitive and I want to save money and also brag that I did it homemade to other moms and your Nana especially.
But this walking thing is pretty amazing. I know I'm not supposed to compare your milestones to other babies but everyone does it. And since you're ahead of the curve I'm totally ok with it in this case. I just love it when other moms ask me "Is she crawling yet?" And Dad chimes in like a proud peacock but trying to seem humble "Yes she's also trying to walk by herself" We try to seem like it's no big deal when they ask "How old did you say she was again?" It's fun!
In other cases like weight and height since you are lower on the % , I take no stock in any of those statistics. You are 50% in height and 25% in weight. My friend referred to that as "Average" and we just don't say that word in our house. Ask your dad about his Asian upbringing. There was no average. That's why he's so stinkin' smart! I asked him one time "Honey do you think Asian kids are genetically smarter?" He said "No. Our mothers just beat it into us!" Isn't that sweet? So now I'm that mom. Just Kidding.
But seriously you're awesome. I don't have to push you. You are going to walk by yourself any day now. I, on the other hand, didn't walk till I was 15 months and your father was at least a year old. Yes, I was telling jokes at about 1, but we see where that got me. No health insurance. I used to try harder to get you to talk, but basically you just say" Ba Ba Bu Bu" and that's because you learned that from your friend Alexa. We try to pretend you're saying Ma Ma so we can record it in the baby book that you talked and said your first words. But I can't find any word that sounds like Ba Ba so we're stuck on the talking thing. But that's ok Daddy talks enough for all 3 of us!
We thought for sure you'd be this big talker and fat and lazy like your parents were when we were babies. But you've been a mover and a shaker this whole time. I think you're planning your escape somewhere more exotic than our little home. I'm no more allowed to sit at this computer while you are in the room. It's much more fun for you to make me watch you run around and try to eat things like coffee table handles and pieces of paper that you've stolen from all over the place. Speaking of stealing, you have this obsession with tags. Do all babies have this? You love tags on everything especially clothes. When we took you to Macy's the other day as I was holding you, I noticed you had systematically ripped off the price tags of three items and had them in your hands. If I was raising you to be a thief I'd say you have a bright future. But let's see if we can do something else with those fast hands of yours. How about sculpting? Naa...no way to get scholarship with that. What about cards? Professional gambler? Well your Nana does like the slots, it might be in your blood. Well we have some time still to decide your life's calling and what it is exactly that is going to pay for your college. With your amazing physical agility at such a young age we're now thinking track or cross country running or the ever faithful Korean Irish Italian super model route. You have choices, honey. You have choices!
Love,
Mama
Monday, June 23, 2008
Letters to Lucy - He Snores, She Snores
Dear Little Piggy,
Well he's done it again. Another one of your daddy's traits has made it's way down the gene pool to you, my dear. Yep, you're both in there now snoring away like two little piggies. It's darling when you do it now. But if you follow in his footsteps, I'm afraid your wedding night will be like daddy's when mommy almost smothered his face with a pillow!
It makes me laugh how our children take on our genes and little tendancies. You really do snore little one when you're really tired. But that's ok because as a first time mom it always lets me know you're breathing. I sometimes when you were first born would run into your room in the mornings or in the night to make sure you were breathing.It sounds crazy but I guarantee you'll do it yourself. I even pulled the car over once because you were so quiet in the back seat. So I'll just take this little snoring thing as a gift from God to let me know you're A ok! Now if I could just do the same with your father…
Well he's done it again. Another one of your daddy's traits has made it's way down the gene pool to you, my dear. Yep, you're both in there now snoring away like two little piggies. It's darling when you do it now. But if you follow in his footsteps, I'm afraid your wedding night will be like daddy's when mommy almost smothered his face with a pillow!
It makes me laugh how our children take on our genes and little tendancies. You really do snore little one when you're really tired. But that's ok because as a first time mom it always lets me know you're breathing. I sometimes when you were first born would run into your room in the mornings or in the night to make sure you were breathing.It sounds crazy but I guarantee you'll do it yourself. I even pulled the car over once because you were so quiet in the back seat. So I'll just take this little snoring thing as a gift from God to let me know you're A ok! Now if I could just do the same with your father…
Wednesday, June 11, 2008
Letters to Lucy - Working
Dear Munchkin.
I'm trying to be a good mom and write this book so you can have something to look back on and realize that you were loved and cared for and every moment with you was sacred. Well I've done a bang up job so far because every time I think I have something profound to write about I can't make it over to the computer to record it. I'm too busy cleaning spit up out of my couch, washing and drying baby clothes stained with brown iron supplements or most recently chasing you around the house trying to explain in your language why it's not a good idea to chew on electrical cords or eat paper. You're so into eating paper while we were in the security line at LAX airport the other day you ate my boarding pass. Literally you ate it. I felt like a kid with no homework when it was time to show it to the security officer and I was sitting there holding my puppy/baby trying to explain why I didn't have a boarding pass! Nice Lucy..really nice.
Today you are 7 months old and in the past three months I've not done much writing in this so-called book I vowed to author. It seemed like a good idea at the time. I, after all, am a professional writer and I've written entire books before, believe it or not. But something happened after I gave birth you and all of my brain cells have somehow been sucked literally out of my body. I'm sort of a walking robot that breastfeeds and cleans and changes diapers and manages to sing a song or two once in a while and then collapses at the end of a long day and wakes up to do it again. Is this motherhood? Is this what they were talking about when they told me it was the best, most difficult thing I'd ever do? The joke with me is that I've attempted to keep my job. I've attempted to convince other people I can do anything else but be a full-time mom. Because no matter what, every mom is a full time mom. Just some of us are crazy enough to think we can handle other obligations. Maybe some other women can handle it, but I'm going stark raving mad! I love you to pieces and I wouldn't change having your cute little face in my life for anything in the world. And when you become a mom someday you too will wonder how it's all to be done and you'll probably call me and ask "Mom how did you survive?" I'll tell ya when we get there!
Love you.
Mom
I'm trying to be a good mom and write this book so you can have something to look back on and realize that you were loved and cared for and every moment with you was sacred. Well I've done a bang up job so far because every time I think I have something profound to write about I can't make it over to the computer to record it. I'm too busy cleaning spit up out of my couch, washing and drying baby clothes stained with brown iron supplements or most recently chasing you around the house trying to explain in your language why it's not a good idea to chew on electrical cords or eat paper. You're so into eating paper while we were in the security line at LAX airport the other day you ate my boarding pass. Literally you ate it. I felt like a kid with no homework when it was time to show it to the security officer and I was sitting there holding my puppy/baby trying to explain why I didn't have a boarding pass! Nice Lucy..really nice.
Today you are 7 months old and in the past three months I've not done much writing in this so-called book I vowed to author. It seemed like a good idea at the time. I, after all, am a professional writer and I've written entire books before, believe it or not. But something happened after I gave birth you and all of my brain cells have somehow been sucked literally out of my body. I'm sort of a walking robot that breastfeeds and cleans and changes diapers and manages to sing a song or two once in a while and then collapses at the end of a long day and wakes up to do it again. Is this motherhood? Is this what they were talking about when they told me it was the best, most difficult thing I'd ever do? The joke with me is that I've attempted to keep my job. I've attempted to convince other people I can do anything else but be a full-time mom. Because no matter what, every mom is a full time mom. Just some of us are crazy enough to think we can handle other obligations. Maybe some other women can handle it, but I'm going stark raving mad! I love you to pieces and I wouldn't change having your cute little face in my life for anything in the world. And when you become a mom someday you too will wonder how it's all to be done and you'll probably call me and ask "Mom how did you survive?" I'll tell ya when we get there!
Love you.
Mom
Friday, May 30, 2008
My Marital Bed is Broken
My marriage bed is broken. No really, if you walk into our bedroom you will see that half of our bed is sagging to the floor. My side is neat and perfect. Ron's side of our brand new mattress has sunk into a deep cavernous mess. If you like splinters in your behind then you can come sleep at our place. This is because I pulled another scheme and got us into this situation.
After we got money from our wedding, we went and tried out many different mattresses. We've both had back problems and after watching Lindsay Wagner on the 1500th infomercial we decided to try out the "Sleep Number" mattress at the store. These beds are luxurious and wonderful. Each side has a remote control and you can pump up to your desired firmness or pump down to your desired softness. We fell in love with this mattress immediately and had to have one. The only problem was that they cost $2500 and they don't sell them used on EBay. I looked. We just couldn't afford to spend that kind of cash on a mattress when we were newlywed, full-time, starving comedians and needed the money for little things like rent and food. We were a bit heartbroken that we couldn't purchase our dream mattress but we agreed to save up for it. So about 6 months later we had saved some money and I announced to Ron we were going to get a new "Sleep Number Bed" very soon. He was thrilled. It would be our first grown up purchase.
What he didn't know was that I had the master plan. He was giving me $2500 for a mattress and box spring. I went online and saw all the knock off brands and stumbled on a bed that promised to be everything the "Sleep Number Bed" was and more. It was called the "Sleep Mumber" and it looked really swell according to the pictures and testimonials. Now that I think of it all the testimonials were written by the company's founders. ARRRGH! Hindsight is 20/20. But the big thing was that this bed was available now for a one-day only internet special of $1200. What a steal! I called up Luanne at customer service and she promised our bed would be delivered the very same week. I wanted to surprise Ron so I scheduled delivery while he was gone.
I answered the door and these two dudes were standing there at the top of my second floor apt with a pen and a clipboard. One guy says "Sign here!" and then he told me to come out to their truck. They had these big boxes and didn't look too fired up about carrying them to my apt with no elevator. The second guy wanted to leave. He came up with some excuse that the mattress wouldn't fit through my door. I was standing in the back of this unlabeled truck that looked like it had just come from some back alley making a pick-up. I wasn't letting them leave. I said "I'll help you guys do whatever needs to be done cause neither of you are leavin' till I get my bed!" So after a lot of wrestling and 2 phone calls to their manager they got the boxes up my stairs. Then I said" Ok get started and install my bed!" They both looked at me if I was insane. "Uh ma'am, I don't know what you heard but we're just the delivery company for whatever is in these boxes. We don't do installations. See ya...sucka!" Then they bolted out my door.
I was stuck there with huge boxes in my bedroom and no bed. I thought to myself "How hard can it be? I'm a strong woman. I can do this myself!" I got out a kitchen knife and started cutting away through all the boxes. I used all my might and even broke a sweat, but I managed to get everything out of the boxes. It didn't look like a bed at all. It was a bunch of tubes and plastic and bubbles and things that scared me, frankly. How was this going to provide those hours of heavenly sleep like Luanne promised? I spent the next two hours trying to make heads or tails of the whole thing. I don't read directions, so I just tried to make it up as I went along. I failed miserably.
Then at about 6:30pm Ron comes home and heads into the bedroom. He sees me whimpering in the corner surrounded by parts. He had no idea what I had done but I had to sweet talk my way out of the situation. I just wiped my face and said" Surprise Honey! Our Sleep Number is here!" He wasn't buying it because he knew good and well they would have assembled it for the price they were charging. He had that "I love Lucy" look on his face and then said "Kerrrrrrrrrriiiii...What have you done?" I turned on the waterworks hard and went into my sob story of trying to do something nice for my husband by surprising him with a cost-efficient alternative to the overpriced sleep number. So I told him all about the "Sleep Mumber" and its high customer rating. (Ok I made that part up!) I was hoping we'd both giggle together and order pizza. But he knew I had gotten some knock off blow-up mattress, ghetto version of the real thing. He also knew there was no return policy! He also noticed there were no numbers on the dial of our "Sleep Mumber" bed. We just had to twist the one remote up and down till we liked the firmness.
So we spent the next 6 hours trying to stay married. (Well I was trying) Let's just say our marriage was put to the test because neither of us is particularly handy. We've almost killed each other installing a shower curtain. No not a showerhead, the curtain is what was so hard because Ron couldn't lengthen the rod enough. We're a mess and we know it.
Well to make a long story longer. We did get the bed installed and then we actual passed out from sheer exhaustion. Over the next couple weeks we enjoyed playing with our little controls that puffed up the bed and actually felt quite accomplished. We saved a lot of money and had the same sleeping experience as all of the fancy people on TV.
Then something started to sag in the bedroom. No, not our love life...Ron's side of the bed. It was slow at first with his side kind of leaking in the middle of the night. He'd adjust his firmness level to really firm and wake up like Goldilocks saying "This bed is too soft!" I didn't think much of it at first because my side of the bed was holding up just fine. I attributed this to the time on our honeymoon when I got in our private Jacuzzi with no problems when Ron joined me and the overflow of water caused a tsunami in our hotel suite and we had to call the management to fix the darn thing. Once again Ron's issues with our equipment were not my fault! I was sleeping like a baby. Well when Ron wasn't snoring like a chainsaw! I could kill that man in his sleep, I swear! But that's another story altogether!
So night after night he pumps up his side of the bed to extra firm and awaken the next morning with the splinters from the wooden posts in his back and he'd get more cranky each day. I, of course, told him he had two options: 1) Fix the thing. 2) Sleep on the couch. I think I was secretly voting for option 2 because I'd get more snore-free nights and I think I deserve that for carrying his baby don't I?
The problem with Ron trying to fix our bed is that he has no actual skills in fixing anything and his buddy Tommy was out of town for a long time. Tommy is the one we call on to solve all our home improvement problems. We've made him the godfather of our child to ensure he keeps coming over to fix things out of guilt and obligation. So far so good! But Tommy wasn't coming to the rescue. After a very uncomfortable visit my parents even offered to help us buy a new mattress. My dad said it was like sleeping in a "Cave" when he'd wake up in the morning all sunken down into the wood frame. I took the money they gave us for a mattress and went to a spa! So sue me! I just gave birth and I think God wants me to have relaxed muscles and good fingernails. Ron started sleeping on the couch and our marriage hasn't suffered if you ask me!
Finally we decided we'd like to live in the same room after all. I kinda missed the snoring bear! So what were we to do? Suck it up and buy a new mattress? I didn't want to sacrifice my adjustable sleep number mattress for some normal one with no remote! And the new ones cost at least $2500. Well leave it to some ingenuity and Ron's hard work ethic to save the day. Well actually it was his good friend "Duct Tape" that really did the trick Ron got under the bed and taped up the hole in our air hose with Duct Tape and it all of sudden worked like a charm. We had no more air leaks and no more nights with Ron sleeping on the wood frame! It was so simple and only costs us $3.99 for the roll of tape! Whoever says Duct Tape can't do everything, including save a marriage, obviously hasn't tried hard enough!
After we got money from our wedding, we went and tried out many different mattresses. We've both had back problems and after watching Lindsay Wagner on the 1500th infomercial we decided to try out the "Sleep Number" mattress at the store. These beds are luxurious and wonderful. Each side has a remote control and you can pump up to your desired firmness or pump down to your desired softness. We fell in love with this mattress immediately and had to have one. The only problem was that they cost $2500 and they don't sell them used on EBay. I looked. We just couldn't afford to spend that kind of cash on a mattress when we were newlywed, full-time, starving comedians and needed the money for little things like rent and food. We were a bit heartbroken that we couldn't purchase our dream mattress but we agreed to save up for it. So about 6 months later we had saved some money and I announced to Ron we were going to get a new "Sleep Number Bed" very soon. He was thrilled. It would be our first grown up purchase.
What he didn't know was that I had the master plan. He was giving me $2500 for a mattress and box spring. I went online and saw all the knock off brands and stumbled on a bed that promised to be everything the "Sleep Number Bed" was and more. It was called the "Sleep Mumber" and it looked really swell according to the pictures and testimonials. Now that I think of it all the testimonials were written by the company's founders. ARRRGH! Hindsight is 20/20. But the big thing was that this bed was available now for a one-day only internet special of $1200. What a steal! I called up Luanne at customer service and she promised our bed would be delivered the very same week. I wanted to surprise Ron so I scheduled delivery while he was gone.
I answered the door and these two dudes were standing there at the top of my second floor apt with a pen and a clipboard. One guy says "Sign here!" and then he told me to come out to their truck. They had these big boxes and didn't look too fired up about carrying them to my apt with no elevator. The second guy wanted to leave. He came up with some excuse that the mattress wouldn't fit through my door. I was standing in the back of this unlabeled truck that looked like it had just come from some back alley making a pick-up. I wasn't letting them leave. I said "I'll help you guys do whatever needs to be done cause neither of you are leavin' till I get my bed!" So after a lot of wrestling and 2 phone calls to their manager they got the boxes up my stairs. Then I said" Ok get started and install my bed!" They both looked at me if I was insane. "Uh ma'am, I don't know what you heard but we're just the delivery company for whatever is in these boxes. We don't do installations. See ya...sucka!" Then they bolted out my door.
I was stuck there with huge boxes in my bedroom and no bed. I thought to myself "How hard can it be? I'm a strong woman. I can do this myself!" I got out a kitchen knife and started cutting away through all the boxes. I used all my might and even broke a sweat, but I managed to get everything out of the boxes. It didn't look like a bed at all. It was a bunch of tubes and plastic and bubbles and things that scared me, frankly. How was this going to provide those hours of heavenly sleep like Luanne promised? I spent the next two hours trying to make heads or tails of the whole thing. I don't read directions, so I just tried to make it up as I went along. I failed miserably.
Then at about 6:30pm Ron comes home and heads into the bedroom. He sees me whimpering in the corner surrounded by parts. He had no idea what I had done but I had to sweet talk my way out of the situation. I just wiped my face and said" Surprise Honey! Our Sleep Number is here!" He wasn't buying it because he knew good and well they would have assembled it for the price they were charging. He had that "I love Lucy" look on his face and then said "Kerrrrrrrrrriiiii...What have you done?" I turned on the waterworks hard and went into my sob story of trying to do something nice for my husband by surprising him with a cost-efficient alternative to the overpriced sleep number. So I told him all about the "Sleep Mumber" and its high customer rating. (Ok I made that part up!) I was hoping we'd both giggle together and order pizza. But he knew I had gotten some knock off blow-up mattress, ghetto version of the real thing. He also knew there was no return policy! He also noticed there were no numbers on the dial of our "Sleep Mumber" bed. We just had to twist the one remote up and down till we liked the firmness.
So we spent the next 6 hours trying to stay married. (Well I was trying) Let's just say our marriage was put to the test because neither of us is particularly handy. We've almost killed each other installing a shower curtain. No not a showerhead, the curtain is what was so hard because Ron couldn't lengthen the rod enough. We're a mess and we know it.
Well to make a long story longer. We did get the bed installed and then we actual passed out from sheer exhaustion. Over the next couple weeks we enjoyed playing with our little controls that puffed up the bed and actually felt quite accomplished. We saved a lot of money and had the same sleeping experience as all of the fancy people on TV.
Then something started to sag in the bedroom. No, not our love life...Ron's side of the bed. It was slow at first with his side kind of leaking in the middle of the night. He'd adjust his firmness level to really firm and wake up like Goldilocks saying "This bed is too soft!" I didn't think much of it at first because my side of the bed was holding up just fine. I attributed this to the time on our honeymoon when I got in our private Jacuzzi with no problems when Ron joined me and the overflow of water caused a tsunami in our hotel suite and we had to call the management to fix the darn thing. Once again Ron's issues with our equipment were not my fault! I was sleeping like a baby. Well when Ron wasn't snoring like a chainsaw! I could kill that man in his sleep, I swear! But that's another story altogether!
So night after night he pumps up his side of the bed to extra firm and awaken the next morning with the splinters from the wooden posts in his back and he'd get more cranky each day. I, of course, told him he had two options: 1) Fix the thing. 2) Sleep on the couch. I think I was secretly voting for option 2 because I'd get more snore-free nights and I think I deserve that for carrying his baby don't I?
The problem with Ron trying to fix our bed is that he has no actual skills in fixing anything and his buddy Tommy was out of town for a long time. Tommy is the one we call on to solve all our home improvement problems. We've made him the godfather of our child to ensure he keeps coming over to fix things out of guilt and obligation. So far so good! But Tommy wasn't coming to the rescue. After a very uncomfortable visit my parents even offered to help us buy a new mattress. My dad said it was like sleeping in a "Cave" when he'd wake up in the morning all sunken down into the wood frame. I took the money they gave us for a mattress and went to a spa! So sue me! I just gave birth and I think God wants me to have relaxed muscles and good fingernails. Ron started sleeping on the couch and our marriage hasn't suffered if you ask me!
Finally we decided we'd like to live in the same room after all. I kinda missed the snoring bear! So what were we to do? Suck it up and buy a new mattress? I didn't want to sacrifice my adjustable sleep number mattress for some normal one with no remote! And the new ones cost at least $2500. Well leave it to some ingenuity and Ron's hard work ethic to save the day. Well actually it was his good friend "Duct Tape" that really did the trick Ron got under the bed and taped up the hole in our air hose with Duct Tape and it all of sudden worked like a charm. We had no more air leaks and no more nights with Ron sleeping on the wood frame! It was so simple and only costs us $3.99 for the roll of tape! Whoever says Duct Tape can't do everything, including save a marriage, obviously hasn't tried hard enough!
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